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It’s time for another coveted cow pie award, and the winner is…

April 11, 2011

Cow pie award given to Chase!Dear Mr. Chase…Can I call you J.P.? I like a practical joke just as much as the next person. I mean what is funnier than a whoppie cushion under old Mrs. J.P. Morgan Chase in church? Seriously now. However, I have to say I am not feeling the love here, I am not quite getting your twisted sense of humor, and I watch AbFab, and love it!

I’m all over the potential HAFA short sale I have going on here like stink on cow poop. I did what all good little agents do, I submitted the paper work, all the paper work with the listing. I was more than excited when Victoria called little ole me to get the ball rolling. She was my go to gal, even gave me her direct line, well, at least her extension. The problem I had was that the phone number she gave me to call her back wasn’t exactly the right number. But I am resourceful, I resolved that problem. Victoria was so nice, she was ordering a real live appraisal of the property right away, and to be done by a real live appraiser. I was so excited I almost wet myself! (these things happen as we get older, but you should know that)

Then Victoria left, as quick as she came. Vanished into thin air. Barbara came on board, Barbara in staging, she was going to help me, and I should call her Monday. She was ordering the BPO, uh oh…. the appraiser was now demoted to a real estate agent, but ok, she told me that I would know on Monday, call her back, she had already ordered it. She was kind enough to give me the right number and her personal extension. Nice gal that Barbara…

From Friday to Monday something happened to Barbara. (I hope she didn’t die or something like that, oh no, maybe Victoria died, now I am nervous, check your vents, their might be bad air pouring in the building) Now I am dealing with Vanessa, who doesn’t know who Barbara is, and I should not call again. Ever. After all, they are busy. (Hey, I was only doing as I was told to do). And by the way, the investor doesn’t allow for an interior BPO, not even a drive by BPO, they will get a BPO though, and the agent they have assigned the BPO might call me, or not. But don’t call Vanessa back because she, unlike me, is too busy to talk to me. They will call me, got it?

So I asked a dumb question, what happened between Victoria and Vanessa? Are we still on the HAFA short sale track? Vanessa doesn’t know Victoria, and certainly didn’t know who the hell Barbara was, but they should have all known this particular investor doesn’t send anyone out to the house to do BPO’s. I couldn’t help but feel poor Victoria and Barbara, if they are still alive, have been promoted to the mail room. 

“But they will miss all the extra features the house has to offer” I loudly exclaim! She is unflappable, unimpressed. I continue on…. But the self sustaining year round moat around the house, the sump pump shoots water out over a pretty impressive water feature on the side of the house, the water swirls around and around the house before making its way back into the basement to be shot out of the house again. It is way cool! And oh, did i forget to mention the water is also fed from the roof, down the chimney on the inside of the house, it is totally awesome, seriously. The cloth wiring in the house only adds to the thrill of the whole thing… And the real fun comes when you are outside watching the moat flow by when the smell of septic gently wafts through the air…. fantasmic! And the lead, asbestos and mold? Well, that we will throw in for nothing!

Rasberries to ChaseVanessa was not impressed, she is one tough cookie. And does it so well, all with a sour puss straight face, you can just hear it in her voice.

All in all, a good joke on me. I wish I had made this last call on April Fool’s Day, I would have felt better about it. But still, I have to say, your whole premise of operating like “Who’s on First” is a stroke of genius. The only thing that would have made it better is if Vanessa had sat down on a whoppie cushion while talking to me. I’m just sayin…

So dear Mr. J.P. Morgan Chase…. seriously, are you kidding me? You, my dear sir, are delusional, bordering on criminally insane. Get a damn grip on reality. Soon enough the masses will have had enough and you will be out on the street, having to do a short sale on all your properties. Wonder what real estate agent wouldn’t have fun with THAT! Or better yet, some guy dressed in all black, with teeth oddly similar to a vampire might foreclose on YOU…. sleep with one eye open I say. Nothing worse than getting bit by a vampire in the middle of the night. That is one sure way to ruin your day! But you can take solace in the fact you have won the coveted cow pie award!

I say… if you can’t beat ’em… hit em with a fresh cow pie!

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